The Most Worthless Substance That Has Ever Existed.

When it comes to the concept of worthlessness, most Americans instantly conjure an image of Paris Hilton or some similarly apparent vacancy of a human body. Another common instance of worthlessness is the feces of the canine or, colloquially, Dog Shit. There is a substance that is demonstrably less valuable than either of these, however, and probably much less valuable than any conceivable substance.

The Zimbabwe Dollar.

Now, it’s difficult to actually conceive of how worthless this substance is. My instincts tell me that the  level of suck these things have attained has never even been considered by another substance in the history of mankind, but I’ve never been one to trust to my instincts alone, no, I will overanalyze this topic in the same way I overanalyze everything else: a lot. The most common note for the Zimbabwean currency is the Z$ 100,000,000  Bill. The complete and utter lack of value that this currency implies means that the most efficient way to measure its value will be in weight.

The actual, physical weight of the bill is difficult to find, so I’ll have to estimate.  A standard piece of printer paper weighs approximately .01 lbs. I’m assuming, generously for the Zimbabwe Dollar, that approximately 6 of those most common Z$ 100,000,000 notes equals about that same .01lbs. Accordingly, 1 lb of Z$ 100,000,000 notes is worth approximately Z$ 60,000,000,000. The going exchange rate of Z$ 642,371,437,695,221,000 to every one US$ means that it requires 10,706,190.63 POUNDS of Z$ 100,000,000 notes to equal one US Dollar. It also means that people have been far overpaying for their Z$35,000,000,000 eggs. Holy. Freaking. Jesus. The price per pound of Zimbabwe Dollars assuming a high value for weight and the highest possible denomination notes is $.00000000934 per pound. Remember your social skills in high school? More worthless than those. And now for the run-offs.

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Fun with Spam, Pt. 3ish

MSN Messenger: that great land of completely secure conversations with the friendliest people on the planet. Today a lovely young lady named Christina <Christinapumi@hotmail.com> added me as a friend without any prior knowledge at all! It made my day. Just kidding, it was spam from a fat lonely dude.

Here is the conversation I had with nasty ‘ol Chris:

< Me > says:
do I actually know you or are you some kind of spam?

Christina says:
hey, Age/Sex/Location?

< Me > says:

what? no.
Christina says:
hey whats up babe, U got a webcam? finally someone adds me, I am soo fuckin horny today for some reason lol


< Me > says:
nope

(more…)

Published in: on November 3, 2008 at 11:39 pm Leave a Comment
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Mancinian Times’ Primer on Epic Fails

Epic Fail. A phrase that originated in the backwoods of the internet, to signify a fail that was more than exemplary. A fail that was, in fact, epic.

Epic: of unusually great size or extent. From the greek epikós via the greek epos, meaning “word” or “song” and referring to the original epic poetry through the Latin epicus, the direct predescessor into english.

This word has a long and dignified history, and yet I hear so many people drastically misuse it. In order to better understand what this phrase actually means, here is a short tutorial:

This is NOT an epic fail:

Not an Epic Fail

Not an Epic Fail

This IS an Epic Fail:

Definitely an Epic Fail

Definitely an Epic Fail

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Published in: on October 21, 2008 at 9:07 pm Leave a Comment
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Good god.

Ok, in order to shamelessly give you people what you want: here it is, hopefully I’ll get higher up on the google search for the #1 search term that ends up here at manciniantimes: Shawn Johnson Ass Shawn Johnson Ass Shawn Johnson Ass Shawn Johnson Ass Shawn Johnson Ass Shawn Johnson Ass Shawn Johnson Ass Shawn Johnson Ass Shawn Johnson Ass Shawn Johnson Ass Shawn Johnson Ass Shawn Johnson Ass Shawn Johnson Ass Shawn Johnson Ass Shawn Johnson Ass Shawn Johnson Ass Shawn Johnson Ass Shawn Johnson Ass Shawn Johnson Ass. There, you happy? Before, I didn’t even have the phrase on the site, but now I do. Be well.

Published in: on October 8, 2008 at 1:13 pm Leave a Comment
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An Open Letter to a Fourteenth-Century English Scholar: What are we doing with ourselves?

[At Oxford in the 14th Century} Most students had high spirits and empty pocketbooks. The most common theme in letters home was the need for money, son of which was certainly used for drinking wine in a tavern, after which the students might abuse some woman, mock a townsman, or provoke a riot. In 1354, several students pronounced the wine served them sour and threw the pot at the tavern-keeper, thereby precipitating a riot that that lasted one week and lead to the death of 63 scholars.

A History of England, Vol. 1 Fourth Edition. Roberts, Roberts and Bisson. Pg 145

Fourteenth Century Scholar, we’re not all that different, you and I. Of course, the languages we use are remarkably different. I can use the word “fuck” without being stoned to death. But, in reality, our drives and methods are largely the same. I own a Television and a computer; you were lucky to own a candle. I drink now and then; you drink now and then. I’m broke; you were probably broke. I go home and pass out; you abuse women and start a riot that is directly responsible for the deaths of you and 62 of your classmates.

Having, both of us, studied the trivium, the world is our oyster. While you’re not likely to finish the six years it takes for a Mastery of the Liberal arts, it’s the new Batchelor’s Degree in the world I live in. I HAVE to get a Master’s Degree, or how am I going to be a middle manager earning upwards of $35k a year, so that I can buy an iPod and drive a marginally impressive imported car? It’s an absolute necessity. Sure, it’s good for you, too, if you want to study civil or canon law, medicine, philosophy or theology, but what can you get with one of those degrees? A job as a lawyer or a doctor? Come on, you guys still use leeches, and that’s just the Lawyers. I suppose nothing’s changed about that, but what on earth is a Medulla Oblongata? Some doctor. In my era, even kids who have just seen The Waterboy know that it’s the brain’s anger center. They miss that it’s the center of autonomic functions as well, but at least they know that much.

No, where you shine is in kicking ass. Seriously. Starting a week-long multiple-fatality riot over the equivalent of some bartender not burning your drink enough? You were drunk as hell, weren’t you? Epic. In my day, we just don’t tip. What do you do if a waitress spills a drink? Murder her family and perform rituals to keep them out of Heaven with the help of your drunken 33-year-old Theology-Doctorate-seeking pal? That is intense. You could totally pledge my house; we need an enforcer.

This one time, these guys came to my house who I really didn’t like, but they’d been coming there for parties since Freshman year, right? Well, I decided that, since I’m so far up in seniority at the house now, I’d make a move to stop them from creeping out the chicks at every party we have, passing out in the basement smelling like beer and Brut and generally making large, bulbous asses of themselves at every vague opportunity. So anyway, this dude comes up to me, I’ll call him Mark. I friggin hate Mark. The week before, he hit on my girlfriend and had to be reminded that he was a guest. The actual week in question, he hit on my new girlfriend. This was the last straw, especially since she’s the mother of my child, which I kind of get sensitive about. Anyway, he comes up to me and is all, “Hey, Skeeter, good party”. Did I mention noone really likes him? Anyway, I reply that I didn’t quite hear him and could he rephrase his sentence in the form of get the fuck out of my house. For some reason, he’s slightly taken aback by this, and hesitates. We get into a little bit of an argument while the guys rally up and he decides that it’s not worth his time and his ass to make an issue of it. I mean, I don’t know how many guys it would have taken to get him the fuck out, but I knew how many we were going to use. See, this is what I respect about you. Instead of being all clever and witty, you would have just bashed his skull in and put his ruined corpse on display in front of the house as an example to potential creepers everywhere to creep on past this particular house if they plan on creeping any time soon.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I feel ya, man. Respect.

Phishing scam fun pt. 2

To my utter amazement, my friend Ben Smith actually replied:

Him:

ok,

good.you can verify the check when you received it ok,there is no problem as regard that ok,so i will get back to you with the tracking number for the check as soon as i have it wit me ok,all is well.stay bless

Me:

Fantastic, glad all is well. Now if you would just provide me with the contact information I have repeatedly requested we can go ahead with the deal. Without any contact information, I have to assume, despite your excellent grammar, that you have something to hide. I’m nothing like confident that you have acted in completely good faith in this attempted transaction. I look forward to our next correspondence and to speaking with you on the phone, since I’m sure you’d very much like to verify that your extremely flattering faith in me was not misplaced. You strike me as an educated individual and I would hope that in your studies you have learned that people on the internet may not be what they appear and that unblinking trust is not necessarily the best policy in transactions such as this. Stay bless.

Published in: on September 16, 2008 at 2:36 pm Leave a Comment
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Phishing Scam Fun

I experienced some phishing scam fun today, and I’d like to share it:

<On Facebook>

Him :

PLEASE REPLY ME TO THIS EMAIL ADDRESS . SMITH_BEN033@YAHOO.COM

i am interested in purchasing your item with no delay,but first? What is the final price of the item? Is the
price firm? Will you be accepting a US certified Check or money order
Contact me with the present state of the item and your contact
information to mail out the payment to you as soon as
possible. Name you want on check:
Home Address:
City:
State:
Country:
Phone Number/Office Number:

PLEASE REPLY ME TO THIS EMAIL ADDRESS . SMITH_BEN033@YAHOO.COM

<Via Email>

Me:

Name you want on check: Thomas Cleberg
Home Address: <Personal information withheld>

The price is firm, and the book is in nearly new condition, only extremely minor wear and no inner marks of any kind. Yes, certified check or money order is fine. If you need me to ship the textbook, the price will be adjusted accordingly. Contact me back with any further questions.

Him:

Hello,
thanks for your response and concern toward this transaction okay,i we arrange for the shipping company that we come for the pickup of the item in your place,and also to let you know that i we issue the payment for you as soon as possible. i seriously count on you in this transaction,all is well.stay bless
[ At this point, I realize it's a scam. I decide to play along. ]
Me:
I absolutely will not release the item until confirmation of payment is received. Can I get some contact information for you please?
Him:
Hello,
Thanks very much for your co-operation toward this transaction, the payment that was sent to you will probably deliver to you any moment as from today, I don’t want you to return the check back when you received it, cause my client bought some other items in the state which the same shipper will responsible for there pick up, Mean while,the payment consist the whole charges of the shipper. All I want you to do when you received the payment is to get it cashed and deduct the amount of your money out of it plus extra $50 out of it for any inconveniences in this transaction, the left over amount should be wire via Money Gram to the shipper’s information enclosed with the payment envelope, you don’t need to bother your self of the shipment, the shipper will take good care of the shipment.  I will want you to get back to me with any questions regarding this email immediately.

Thanks.

[ Excellent. It's an auto-reply. Amazing.]
Me:
I will be more than happy to accommodate this. As soon as the payment unconditionally clears, I will be happy to forward your money to your friend. Please be advised that such checks can take several weeks to clear and, naturally, I will await that payment date to forward any money to anywhere at all. If and when the check clears, and I fully expect it not to, your friend, who I imagine does not reside in the United States, will receive a payment in full. If, as I suspect, the check does not clear, I will immediately begin proceedings to have your friend arrested as an accomplice to and beneficiary of wire fraud, as well as forwarding all information I have to the FBI so that they can begin, or I actually imagine, continue their investigation against you. If I am in error in my way of thinking, all doubts will be put out of my mind as soon as the check unconditionally clears and you send me some contact information.
[Anxiously and Fruitlessly Awaiting Reply ]
Published in: on September 15, 2008 at 10:27 pm Leave a Comment
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Olympics Day 3

Basketball

In what was probably the most-watched basketball game in the history of the sport, Yao-Ming began the game with a three-pointer and the Chinese played frantically to keep up with the USA’s “Redeem Team” for about a quarter and a half until the U.S. players began to pull away in classic steal the ball, alley-oop it, steal the ball, alley-oop it fashion. The end score isn’t important, let’s just say that it appears that the American men are back at the forefront of international basketball.

Yao-Friggin-Ming

Yao-Friggin-Ming

 

 

Gymnastics

Shawn Johnson

Shawn Johnson

The U.S. women lost team member Samantha Peszek just before preliminary qualification started today, making every routine count in three of five events during said preliminaries due the the U.S. team’s lack of additional depth. Not to say that the U.S. women’s gymnastics team isn’t deep, with world champions Nastia Liukin and Shawn Johnson, Alicia Sacramone and Chellsie Memmel making up the team, in addition to the injured Peszek. After a series of step-outs in the floor excercise, a fall off the uneven bars, a botched landing on the same bars, and a few large steps on the vault, I expected a similarly nervous and preoccupied performance on the beam. I was greatly relieved to see Nastia’s performance, which was as crisp, clean and aesthetically pleasing as I could remember, but then Shawn came up. Her routine was utterly stunning. The beam was the floor, she might as well have been walking. Let me say that the score they gave her, a 9.0ish, was nowhere close to correct. Not a gymnastics judge, I could see that there was absolutely nothing at all wrong with that routine. Not that it particularly mattered, of course, as the U.S. team easily qualified for the team finals, second only to China, and Shawn and Nastia will get another chance to wow everyone on the beam. I just hope they get scored fairly.

Swimming

Oh. My. God. Seriously, the finals of the men’s 4×100 relay was the most exciting race I’ve ever seen, and not just because I uncharacteristically bet $1 and gave 50 to 1 odds that the American team would win after France decided to talk some shit. I’ve never seen talking shit at the olympics turn out well, and I’ve seen a lot of Disney movies.

For those of you who don’t already know, some dude on the French relay team talked some shit about how they were only really here to beat the Americans in the 4×100 relay race. During the race, the American 4×100 relay team was behind at the 350m mark by probably 3/4 of a body length, and by the 375 mark by 1/2. The american anchor (the last swimmer), Jason Lezak, closed that last half body in the last 25 meters to outtouch France by a few hundredths of a second, not to mention swimming the fastest anchor position in the relay’s entire history. That would, of course, be more amazing and noteworthy if five (five!) of the teams hadn’t broken the world record for the entire race during the final. How would that feel? “Yeah, mom, we broke the world record! No, we didn’t get a medal.” I was almost as excited as the athletes after the race, partly due to patriotism, partly due to seeing that french dude eat his words, and partly due to a $51 swing that netted me a cool buck. Michael Phelps is still up for his 8 golds, and I got to watch a world record in swimming get beaten by almost 5 seconds. Utterly amazing.

USA Relay Team

USA Relay Team

Olympics Day 2

Fencing

Becca Ward

Becca Ward

After losing to her teammate in the semifinal match, 18-year-old Becca Ward of the USA, the #2 ranked sabre fencer in the world faces off against Sofiya Velikaya of Russia for the Bronze medal. The beginning of the match shows Becca’s nerves, as she drops to 1-6, but the she goes on an amazing 4-point run that includes some very athletic ripostes and a blinding jumping, dodging riposte. After the Break at 5-8, Becca comes back to 7-8, then 8-9 with her expert use of Prise de Fer, or beat-attack. A few points later, the score stands at 10-11 following a tense instant replay, which goes Becca’s way. The American patiently takes apart Sofiya’s defense to earn the tie, and another touch with lightning reflexes, and then her fifth in a row with a parry-riposte. After a few tense points, the score ist tied again at 13. The Becca taps in her 14th touch and Velikaya answers to tie the match at 14. The mood is intense, as the next point will take the match and the bronze medal. The referee says “play” and the match is over less than a second later, as Becca’s lightning lunge nicks the hand of her opponent, ensuring her the bronze medal and an event sweep for the USA, as her two teammates are meeting in the event finals.

Mariel Zagunis

Mariel Zagunis

The gold medal match in women’s sabre fencing is a treat between Mariel Zagunis, the defending gold medalist, and Sada Jacobson, the #1 ranked fencer in the world, both of the USA. The action happens almost too fast to follow, and the two women seem evenly matched as they trade lighting points, and the referee often refers to the instant-replay to decide points. These two women have faced each other so many times that each is extremely familiar with the other’s style. At 5-4, Zagunis makes a fantasting flashing riposte to take the touch and adds two more to go to the break up 8-4. A few silmultaneous actions (ties) result in no points, and Mariel takes the 9-5 lead with some aggressive action, then gains 11-5 with a series of prise de fer. 12-6 with a pair of flashing stabs.                                                                         

Sada Jacobson

Sada Jacobson

12- 7 with a riposte from Jacobson. 13-7 with a feint from Zagunis. Jacobson hesitates and Zagunis takes advantage at 14-7. One touch and a tense period of instant-replay checking later and the gold medalist has repeated in ridiculously convincing fashion, defeating the #1 and #2 ranked fencers in the world in the process and leading the American team to a sweep of the women’s individual sabre medals.

The sweep completed
The sweep completed

Click HERE to view the video of this series on nbcolympics.com.

Olympics, Day 1 pt. 3

Soccer

Watching world-class soccer is something I do every time I get a chance. The tension that builds in the game is unbelievable, with entire national prides butting heads. The athleticism of the players is unmatched and the will to win is a staggering thing to see and feel played out in such a superb allegory for all human struggle. Add to these the facts that it’s a team game in which the cohesive, disciplined whole is much more important than having a superstar to lead with and that such superstars exist and add personal drama to the already atmospheric feelings of excitement, dedication, cumulative effort and perseverance that permeate the game and it seems clear to me that you have one of humankind’s outstanding pursuits in evidence. Suffice it to say that my friends don’t expect to both see me and not watch soccer during any World Cup.

The USA women’s team took a 0-2 loss to norway in early pool play last week (soccer must begin before the opening of the games due to the lengthy nature of the sport) and must defeat Japan in order to keep up with the expectations on them as probably the premier team in international women’s soccer. The good news for the U.S. is that they’ve never lost to Japan in 20 international appearances.

The Game

The U.S. side kicks off, putting the ball deep into Japan’s half and asserting their intention to be much more aggressive than in their disappointing showing against Norway.

The first corner kick that the U.S. women earn goes high after a volley for position.

A disorganized attack by Japan peters out.

A chance for the USA ollowing a technically well-handled backfield setup gets foiled by astute and creative Japanese goalkeeping.

A Japanesse attack gets broken up at midfield, and USA’s O’Reilly crosses into the goal box, but the chance is spoiled by a Japanese defender. The headed corner goes wide.

Lindsay Tarpley gets a shot as the USA keep the pressure on, but the goaltender is up to the task. The U.S. bait another corner. This time it’s played close to the net, but again goes wide.

A long ball from the Japanese passes the attacker, safely into the capable hands of Hope Solo, whose father, I would speculate, is an avid Star Wars fan.

Miyama takes a free kick for the Japanese and only a bad bounce keeps a chance from developing.

The Japanese have several significant attacking chances, some crosses in the box and a shot that narrowly misses the far post, but finally showing teeth behind clenched lips.

The return attack is foiled following a tense throw-in near the Japanese net.

Carli Lloyd for the US tries to pass to Cox, but it’s intercepted.

Tarpley fires a corner to the far side, it’s tapped back to the near but the attacker comes a head’s width short of a certain goal.

At this point, it seems obvious that Japan is trying to wear down the U.S. side on defense, keeping the pace managed as the U.S. must chase it, knowing how badly they need the 3 points from this game.

A long like drive from the Japanese star Sawa gets tipped above the bar and the resulting corner is flaccid and easily broken up.

The return attack results in a long shot by Carli Lloyd which only just misses the far post.

After some crisp midfield play, Rodriguez earns a corner for the U.S., which is played slightly awkwardly, but dangerously. The ball spins away and nothing results, except for a goal kick.

Cox throws in on the corner, gets passed back to, drops it to a teammate and makes a run to the deep corner, where she is lead by an expertly timed pass from Tarpley. She receives and crosses through the box to Carli Lloyd, who fires a rising bullet into the top left corner and celebrates bouncily.

Carly Lloyd

Carly Lloyd

USA 1 – 0 JPN

The USA come out with renewed aggression, sharks smelling blood.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A ball in U.S. territory is aggressively defended and cleared.

Japan comes back with some defiance, but the rally peters out after some sloppy play causes a missed pass and a U.S. throw-in.

Amy Rodriguez burns the Japanese defense, but is called offside.

A very, very dangerous run for Japan ends with a weak pass or a weaker shot, but reaffirms the danger of their play.

Hucles gets in a weak shot for the U.S. and they recover the clear, but put it out of bounds on the attack.

The U.S. get another strong attack, with a curving cross just missing Carli Lloyd.

Amy Rodriguez earns another corner for the U.S. off of a long run and a deflection, but even though it sits on the ground in the box, it goes nowhere.

Following a weak shot by the Japanese, the return attack earns a Carli Lloyd corner, which is punched out by the Japanese keeper.

A long ball to Amy Rodriguez beats the defender cleanly, but she is impatient and mishits the ball directly into the hands of the Japanese keeper. On the return, a beautiful play by Mitts for the U.S. gives her a shot after her bump and run, and she almost gets a second shot as she stays with the ball even into the keeper’s hands.

Stoppage of 1 minute is announced, but three whistles go up while the ball is still at midfield.

The rest of the game is thrilling, as well. Forgive the omission, but a summary should suffice. Rodriguez continuously shows the value of her speed, beating the defense all half. Close calls are traded regularly, and play begins to get slightly sloppy around the 65th minute. Just before the second stoppage time and extending well into it, Japan gets a flurry of chances that fail to add up to a point, and the U.S. players look very relieved when the third whistle blows, winning the match 1-0 on the strength of Lloyd’s goal.

Click HERE to watch the full match on Nbcolympics.com